SAKIT SENGAL URAT

Mengapa perlu bangkitkan kisah2 yang lama? Ungkit mengungkit kesilapan yang lalu...belajarlah memberi peluang, membahagi sama-sama... sama kaya, sama rasa... kita ini orang merdeka... bangkitlah wahai semua... ah! sakit orang politik masih sama… - Madah after lunch ;>  

Awan yang terpilu...

This is the time when I feel really sad about myself and also my life. I keep on telling myself how special I am and why I have been chosen to face all these difficulties in my life. I get married and yet to find the most happiness part of my life. The only thing that I could figure out is the smiling face of my baby girl Aryan. I am somehow not in the favourite list of my family, friends and even my working life. Maybe is because of the personality that I have. I am a very plain person in nature. Well nothing much of my physical structure, my face and yet my so called wisdom. To be honest, I never really can compete with everything around me. At most of the times, I spend myself wondering how happy my sister is to have a very lovable husband, good money, good set of friends...I keep remembering how temper my husband can be....how difficult and serious is my mother...and how wild are my my friends... For god sake nothing jokes me!! Life is just like sad and boring cloud passing bye.. Sometimes, I feel like I just want to run and never stops running. Maybe what Forest Gump did was what he finds make him happy and content. Life is about running until you die. Because the road you've been passing is always full of enemies, jealousy, rude and bad mouthing where people keep bringing you down all the time. Sometimes I feel like zipping my mouth and never talk to anyone just write and listen to all my sad music collections. In the same time I feel like I'm running. Running with the two fingers on the keyboard. Or perhaps dancing in this very unwelcoming stage of life! But somehow there is no regret in my life. At least, that is how I must feel and keep telling myself everyday... so just pack my stuffs and move on. Move on and move along. Keep everything that I feel deep deep inside. And sometimes I feel jaded...

MY BLOG IS MY OWN...

Today I came early, not as usual. I got myself some 'kuey' at the lrt station. In the train, besides reading I like to look around. See some faces. I wonder whether all these peoples are so much eager to go to work or they are just like walking zombies like me. The point that I keep asking in my mind is whether the job I'm having now is really for me. Is it something that I like? At first I feel it was okay, but then I find this place is just so hard to get along. Stamford wasn't like this? KLMU was a big time sucks but the people are just fine. Telekom wasn't. This is worst! The poeple, are just one kind. Nak kata terlalu goverment tak jugak. Telekom pun kira goverment jugak tapi takdala macamni. Well I have this instinct already when the so called 'group CEO' asked us to be the organizer for his sons wedding. I was whatta??! and whatever you do here, everyone knows...everyone is busy boddy to know...OMG...and then what, I have manager pastu senior manager. Perlukah...? Today when I was making my coffee at the pantry everybody was looking at me. Why? Is is because I'm early? Why they bother? Pandang2...tak habis2 nak jaga tepi kain orang...malula tengok attitude orang Melayu macam ni. I don't know if I'm having the wrong feeling but I'll try my best to IGNORE  them...and this is why I write...just write my feelings...It's my right to write...My blog is my own. No one can sibuk2. Hehe..

It is fine with me

So many things have happened lately...just too many things!! Tired. Bored. Give up. Yes that is what I feel. How I feel. If I could talk in front of the whole world, I would say “Just, give me the right to feel what I want to feel. Think what I want to think. Just let this lady speak! For once please.”

For ordinary people who have gone through their ordinary lives, things may have been so perfect towards them. Things have been so perfect, that they’ve never face any off the Devils. And so they would want to follow all the perfect rules…what they called the right things for them. They do not want to bend. They just go straight. Because the road they've been taking has always been a straight one.


But for someone like me, I guess I don't belong to those ordinaries. Things have been hard for me all the time. First, I have no salary for the past one and half month. Then my husband has been cheated by his business partners (the Devils). He’s been cheated Big Time! He loses his job. And then, there goes the money… Money? Money…Money!!! The everlasting motive I have, to get my feet on the ground, and get myself to the office every day. Like this smiling zombie I feel like there is a big fat stone on my head and my chest. I got sick so often these days. Just mentally sick!


At the same time while I’m writing this, the Devils I mentioned are sitting nicely in their couch smiling… at each of the ruining that they have caused! I have stop asking myself, why there are such filthy people in this world? I have stopped that long time. To me they are just like the cars on the road. HAHA! Quite a comparison or maybe I should say they are just like a shit on the streets! Or, like flies flying around the shit!! They are just there. Born to be that way.


Recently we receive sms threat saying that they will hunt us down. Or kill us maybe. Who cares anyway? Keep telling myself “Nothing will happen without Allah’s agree it to be happened”. I do worry about Iris’s safety. I do. Should I hold my deep breath?? It just never stops isn’t it? I’m tired but I can’t sleep. I’m hungry but I can’t eat. I’m happy? No I am not. Happy seems to be overrated.

Keep telling myself maybe this is what written for me. Just like how I write this story. There couldn’t be nothing more nothing less to write. I guess, Allah have says “It is fine for me” and so I must said yes it is fine with me.

Shower of My Heart....

Everything has fallen back to one piece. Finally I have give birth to my baby girl, Iris Aryan, on the 28th of December 2009 after going through 36 weeks of pregnancy (well, that's what the doctor said). Aryan, according to Arabic translation that I found means the Utmost Strength.

My Iris here is referring to a flower... Surprisingly, my strong flower is seemed to be a very though girl from the first day she was born. She moves a lot. I wonder what could it be in my tummy all this while..? I wonder where all the kicking came from that I felt every night and day?!! On her first day, Iris is already seen punching and kicking the air! What have I been eating that makes her bone so strong? “NOTHING” ;-p. Or is it the name Aryan I called her every time when I talked to my tummy? Hmm must be the name I guess... Whatever it is she is just so funnily adorable... If only I could record every of her moves... I was a bit frustrated that I couldn't record it as I don't have any video-cam and no one reminds me of one. Since the Cesarean, I barely can stand on myself. I could not visit her in the baby's room, but I could hear her voice every time she cried. When they carried her to my room I could not carry her still, so I reached my face to kiss her on the forehead. She has got the smell that makes me feel like shower in my heart... Yes! That's the feeling to describe it! Shower of my heart!

Iris is 39 days now.... She can lift up her head and turn at both side whenever she sleeps on her tummy. She is very alert at every sound she heard. Her eyes are bright and shiny and always wide open to check around, responding to everything she heard or sees. My parents said that she is very focus for a new born. I don't know, but I do have the feeling that this girl is gonna be a very keen one.

Now I understand how every mother would felt of their baby...they want everything for their everything. And they still feel not enough. Malay proverb once mentioned, Kasih ibu tak pernah putus... (Mothers love will never stop...) Well I could feel that feeling in me now...being a mother is like you're given with a piece of treasure... this treasure could be a final piece that you have and you could not afford to trade it with anything in this world. Maybe one day you'll have another piece one or two...or three maybe...or a dozen maybe...but it is just so much precious that you cannot let them go away just like how the other treasure you've gain and may leave behind...

Kasih Iris (Ibu)

 

Ibarat bunga yang baru tumbuh...
 

Ibarat luka yang terus sembuh...
 

Melihat wajahmu Iris...
 

Ibu rasa hilang segala derita...
 

Kaulah berita gembira...
 

Kaulah pembawa ceria...

Wahai anakku Iris mengertilah...
 

Kasih Ibu tak pernah putus...
 

Kasih Ibu kasih yang telus...
 

Kasih Ibu tak perlu di ajar...
 

Kasih Ibu tak perlu belajar...
 

Apabila mendakap...
 

Kasih Ibu terus merasa...


Wahai anakku Iris jangan terasa...

Ibu kan ada senantiasa...
 

Kasih Ibu untuk Iris tak akan putus....
 

Bagai air mengalir terus...
 

Setinggi gunung...
 

Seluas lautan...
 

Kasih nya Ibu berkekalan...


Iris Aryan...
 

Ibarat bunga dalam taman...
 

Hanya satu menjadi idaman...
 

Serupa tapi tak sama? 
 

Tiada dua atau tiga


Hanya ada satu Iris Ibu
 

Iris Ibu...
 

Iris Ibu...

My INNER smile...

I’ve been spending my time counting the days goes by…. Thinking ahead on what it takes to become a wife and soon a mother… The world around me seems so far yet so near. I’m not scared or anything. Readiness is seems to be the right word to describe it. I am ready. I am ready with open arms. I’ve imagine that my first touch would be somewhat magical. I can’t wait for all this to happen! Soon it’s going to be a new me. Just the two of us building castle in the sky. Just the two of us! :)

PiNK

I love pink. For me pink is the color of happiness and glamour! My girl would love pink very much just like the mother. I can imagine all the pink baby stuff. I would want to wear my girl all in pink and snap a picture of her like a girl in a pink donut or Thumbelina...pinkkkkkkk!